MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly made his final choice to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, Kremlin sources have confirmed.

According to those sources, Putin whittled down a lengthy list of possible candidates to just two, Brett M. Kavanaugh and Thomas M. Hardiman, before selecting the one he believes will best advance the interests of the Russian Federation.

Those familiar with the selection process said that the Russian President…


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