WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A Washington, D.C., man has won a nationwide essay contest on the topic “Why Donald J. Trump Shouldn’t Go to Prison.”

The man, Brett Kavanaugh, received his award for the winning essay at a ceremony at the White House on Monday night.

Kavanaugh’s essay, which was distributed to the press shortly after he was announced as the winner, reads as follows: “Donald J. Trump should never go to prison because he is the President of the United States and the President of the United States is a very important person…

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